Larry Johnson is Gay?!?

Hola Everyone!

'So I haven't posted a blog in awhile! Sorry! I've been sick and have been
having butt surgery!!

I really wish I was joking.. I'm not...

I just realized my hair looks like a super-delicious Shane Dawson Wig.. wow.
So as most of you probably already know.. Im originally from
Lawrence Kansas.
My dad kind of made me be a Kansas City Cheifs fan.. like muh whole life! So.. I was reading the news on my blackberry from bed and had to make

a blog about this.. effing Larry Johnson making homosexual slurs on his
twitter.. uhmm..larry.. have you looked around lately?
Its 2009 for F's sake! So like, Im a Christian with mostly conservative values.

I don't really agree with I guess being gay. But I'm not one to judge.
I mean I don't really care. lol

I have a ton of Gay friends, we talk about it like once and it's done.
like it doesn't make me like those people any less.

And If someone was like talkin shit I would be the frist one to
stand up for them.. You feelin froggy..you wanna go ahead and jump.. not really.. Im like 5'3 im not jumpin on shit..

So like Larry Johnson is like 80 yards from breaking Priest Holmes
rushing record.. and he comes out with

fags are gay.. Like.. Idk what it is with these celebrities who think
that they can say whatever they want.. I mean you are in the public eye.. Im sure thousands of people follow his twitter...prolly even some gays.. and he comes out with that crap..

You are stupid Larry.. Im kind of glad over 10,000 of
your fans have signed a petition to deactivate you :(

Well Im outta here.. back to my lovely bed.. to nurse my injured bum:)
You like it...


Oh and btw.. Preist is way cuter..

Save Me

Do you ever feel just like lost? Like lately I just feel so lost, like I can't get a straight head about anything. I've been putting off school and of course, I hate my job. I don't really like Louisiana and I just want to move. I just want to feel content and feel like full, like everything is okay. I feel so lost.
I feel like I dont have God in my life. I pray, but I also sin. I sin in knowing that it is wrong. And I care and I want him to care about me. But I feel like I've gone too far and that I'm not even worth caring about. I dont study. I started a new home business, but yes, as it is fun, its not like what I want to do in life. It's not my passion. I want to move closer to my siblings, but everyday it feels like I'm being drawn closer to California. I just want to feel like accepted and like I'm doing exactly what God wants me to do.
This is going to sound so stupid, but I've been watching season 4 of hells kitchen on hulu. And, like how cool would it be to like know your passion and have the drive to be able to do it. I procrastinate so badly, and is that a sign? I mean, what? I just wish I knew something, I wish I had something more than I do.
I haven't talked to Patrick in like two weeks. I hope that he is happy. I don't even want to reach out anymore. I don't even really care. I wonder how he is doing, but besides that. I'm so happy that I have my kids around me and that they are happy and healthy. I just don't even know.

Please Save Me

Pure Chaos

I like don't even know what I'm even like feeling anymore! It's surreal. Like, Im so lost in how much I want things to work out with Patrick, but I know I'm better off without him. I mean, in the five years we were together, I dropped out of school, lost jobs, like all this stuff. And no it wasn't because of him, but I was so lost in trying to be a house wife, I put my dreams on hold.
Him and I have been broken up for 7 months. I'm in school, I'm getting ready to move, and no not to kansas, but i do have to keep it secret!!! So in 5 months, when those who are to be surprised find out, you will too!! But it's totally scary doing this on my own. Like I was going through some old stuff and Pat and I, like our bills were over $1000.00 a month! I don't even make $1000.00 in a month! Like what am i supposed to do if things don't work out, or I dont have all the money for something? Like Im so scared that things are going to turn sour. I've always have back up. When I leave my parent's house, it's all on me. That is terrifying! Like horribly terrifying!
But besides being scared half to death, I am currently attaining my certification for Veterinary Assistance. it's not what I want my final career position to be, but it's a start, and those skills will always be necessary for a biologist, I do believe. I don't know. I feel like I fell behind, because I felt the need to party, instead of study (what the hell was i thinking?!?!). So now I feel like Im trying to rush and race and finish things. If I would have just done this all in the beginning, I would probably be where I want to be in life, and not being all weird and feeling akward about my life. I see friends from HS and JH and it's like what the hell?! Like if I knew then what I know now and could some how go back, I would have slapped myself silly!! But what is done is done and I don't regret it.
I'm hoping to go on vacation to CA before moving. My mom's HS friend Nita invited us out, and I really hope we can make it work. I don't want to always think of CA and how much fun I had, and always think of Pat. I love CA though, it's beautiful!

Anyway, I'm just rambling now!
Write more later!

Love Always,
K

Isn't all that sad.

Please do not get me wrong, I'm terribly distraught that I won't be moving back to Kansas to work things out with Patrick. But at the same time, like, I'm really not that sad. We've been going back and forth since like, what, December? Im horribly sad, but Im not. I'm happy that this gives me the opportunity to find someone who loves God as much as they love me. But I think of everything Pat and I went through, he's still my best friend, and I cry. I bawl. But I guess nothing was meant to last forever. I miss him. Maybe I'm not that sad because I don't see him. I haven't for like 5 months. Maybe I'm not that sad, because I knew it would never work. Or maybe God has filled my heart with his love so I don't hurt as much. Whatever it is, I'm greatful. I feel happiness that it's over. No more fighting, no more any of it. I don't have to fight with his family, or beg to be treated to my standards. Not that he ever treated me bad, we just have different ideals of different things. Let me restate that...Patrick NEVER treated me badly. My heart is still with him. Part of me thinks that it always will be. Maybe we'll be together again one day, maybe we won't Only God knows, and I'd like to keep it that way. What I do know, is that him and I have our 5 babies, and they are well taken care of. We both still love them very much, and both are trying to be active in their lives. I'm glad he still cares, I'm glad he's still my best friend. I do wish him all the happiness the world can provide. I hope he finds what he is looking for.

I love you always,
K

Hate this right now.

I totally am tired of feeling regret. I'm tired of feeling that I'm not doing the right things. I'm not doing what people expect, what they want, what they think I should be doing. I want to move to Arkansas, I want to be near my siblings (well four of them). I want to see my nephews grow up. I don't want them to never know me. I don't want them to think of me as the Aunt that sends presents and they see every few months. But I feel like I'm the only person that feels like they are made for something more. I feel like I'm more than what Kansas or Arkansas can give me. I feel like I don't want to stay in one place and do one job. I hate monotony. I hate the same thing every day. I feel like I don't know. I don't want my Taryn or Moira or Sean or Brett or Daniel or Beth to ever think I don't love them. I don't want them to think because I haven't moved there yet, that I don't want to be with them. It's hard for me to think of being in one place and settling down. I mean is there something wrong with me because of that. Do I have a problem? I mean, is there something wrong. I feel as if I should put what I feel aside to be with the ones I love. I should fight the urge to run and to be on the move. I don't think this is what God had in store for me. I constantly feel like they are going to hate me. They are going to be disappointed or be like oh well she let us down again.
I love Patrick. Although I'm moving back to Kansas right now, it has never been intended to be permanent. I know he wants more from life, he wants to travel and we both want to move to SD, but he really loves Topeka. He loves being there. I can't do it. I love all of my family, but I'm unable to stay there. I can't do it.

I hope they don't hate me. This weighs on my conscious every day. And I'm sorry if it means I lied to you, I didn't mean to. I love you and I hope through all of this you guys still love me too. I'm sorry.

Who cares

I am absolutely beside myself over this whole Patrick mess. He is back in Kansas and back to not taking my calls. He insists this is all just a big misunderstanding made up in my brain. Of course, I just called and what? Shocker?!?! He didn't answer, nor has he called me back. So the last big tiff him and I had regarded this chick Morgan. Him and her have gotten particularly close and yes, have kissed. Back then of course he didn't tell me that. He insists that he has referred back to that conversation and has told me " the last time we talked about this, I hadn't kissed her" But he had when I asked him about it that time. Only when he was feeling close to me and we were getting along particularly well, he told me. Why couldn't he had just told me at that point, yes I kissed her. I understand why he would think I would get upset. Wouldn't you? I mean wouldn't he? He says he wouldn't, but he was the one that did the breaking up. Of course he wouldn't care if another guys tongue was shoved in my mouth. He wants me to move back to kansas, I don't know why he insists that he wants to get me out of that situation and moved back to kansas, in the same house as him, but he isn't sure if we are able to work things out. Maybe he can commit to someone else? Maybe it's just me. I mean we were together for four and a half years, and he couldn't even tell me he didn't want to marry me. He said that he wanted to, when I moved out the first time. He said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, he was even willing to get baptized and convert to Christianity for me. But I just don't get it, he skirts around the issue, like the whole " have you kissed her" thing. He just should have said yes. I think the least I deserve is the truth and the honest truth, not the when it's convenient for me truth. Just tell me the fucking truth. Sorry for the cussing, but I'm 24 and he is 29, we should be over this crap. I'm tired of playing games. Like Morgan, I emailed her asking if anything was going on between the two of them, now ususally I don't do such things, seeing as I'm 24 and not 12. But I've invested so much, and I know Patrick has as well, but I just want the truth. But anyway, so I emailed her and she told me I would have to talk to Patrick about it. I told her thanks and that was it. Then a week later, after Patrick pissed her off, she emails me, " If you have questions, now is the time to ask." Only later after the fact, did I find out that she emailed me and then blocked me. So, what was the point? To torment someone who has lost the only person in her life that meant shit? To hurt someone who has already been hurt too often, who would do that? I just can't do this anymore. I can't do the games, I can't do the drama and I can't deal with stupid bitches who think they are someone in his life. So what, you kissed him, I gave him a son bitch. Try that one out. I know I shouldn't be so angry, but I dedicated four almost five years of my life to that relationship, and yes, not all of it was good. Alot of it was bad, but I love him. I still do. But he treats it like it's a game. He always has. I'm tired. I just want things to be how they were, before the girlfriends and the lies and all of it. As much as I love him and I totally want things to work out. I dont think that they are. I can't do this anymore. I love him. so much. I can't do this again. I can't be with someone who treats me like a game. I gave everything, jobs, friends, a city which I loved. Who cares anymore? He doesn't. I do. It doesnt matter.

On the other hand, after he broke my heart, I really found God again. I found how whole I could be with a relationship with my Holy Father. And Patrick of course doesn't believe in God, he would have gotten baptized, only to be a hypocrite, because he doesn't believe. How am I supposed to try and work things out with someone whom, I will only be with in this life. And how can you believe that our son is in heaven, but you don't even believe. I'll see Kal-El again some day and he won't He will never see his son, and he just doesn't care. I pray for him every day. Every day I ask God to change his heart. Maybe I do this so I can feel better if him and I do work things out, sometimes I feel like that. Sometimes I feel like I really do want him to be a Christian. I know I do, in my heart, I want him to be saved. I want to see him in our eternal homes. But what do I do now? How do I move on? Do I give Patrick our animals and write it all off? Do I stay here or move to Arkansas and we drive back and forth to share the animals? Do I move back to Kansas? Back to the drama? Back to all of it, all of the crap I'm trying to run from? I don't know. I wish I was given the answers. I'm tired of guessing and walking this walk alone. I'm tired of being alone through all of this. I'm sorry.

Some Daily Cuteness

So I went to the restroom and my lab, Tibby followed me in there. Like always, apparently I'm not a big girl.. So I had the a/c on and i put a towel over the vent because it feels like the tundra in there. Well I asked Tibby what the air bubble under the towel was and I started poking it. He became completely immersed in this and started freaking out and braking at it, He kept putting his nose to the ground through the bubble. He was probably like WTF? What is hiding under there! Lol. So he scratched the towel out of his way and got a gush of air up his nose from the vent... needless to say, it freaked him out and he tried to attack it. lol

Imma be okay

So, today has been better. A lot better. I haven't really thought about Pat. Really, the only time I have, I turned around and saw Mike Rowe in a fluffy short red robe with a cute pink heart on it, talking about Tilapia eating it's own poop. That was enough to stop my thoughts of a demolished relationship.
Things are going better. Pat and I talked today and not about the break up. I think things will get better. I spent oh gosh, like three hours today just throwing Tibby (see left) his rope bone. Which he enjoyed immensely! I've been trying to teach him to stay.. that's not going too well. lol.
I do have faith that things will get better. Maybe right now isn't the right time for a relationship, for either of us. Maybe one day, fate will bring us back together. Maybe not. Who knows. I still have thoughts that he'll be with someone new. But it isn't anything I can control. I've just got to remember to keep praying and keep asking God to help me heal and help me not worry about the things I cannot control. I've just got to worry about me, I guess. Me and my kids. I've got to acquire a job and some monies. I still don't know how that will happen in this one horse town, but God's got my back
On to other subjects. Can you believe that KU vs MIst game last night?!?! I cannot believe that KU lost in the Sweet 16!! I cried.. a little.. one tear. It's alright though. We're still a great team!

Anyway, that's all I've got to say now,
Peace
K

Puppy Mill capital of the world

I'm currently watching a program about Amish puppy mills in Lancaster county Pennsylvania. It is known as the puppy mill capital of the world. These images are disgusting. They kill animals when they can't breed anymore. They shove sharp objects down their throats so they cannot bark so the ones who do not have licenses will not be discovered. I just want you to stop, and think, shoving a sharp lead pipe down your throat, no anesthesia, so you won't talk. Is this right to you? Is this alright? Why are we not doing more about this? Why are we allowing these people to do these things just to sell puppies to pet stores.
They are bred on chicken wire. They live their entire lives in a 3x4 chicken wire cage. They don't go outside to potty, they don't get long naps on the couch. They eat, drink and potty all in the same area. The same 3x4 spot. For their entire lives.
This man apparently has a state of the art facility, they stand on 3X4 plastic mats... oooooohhh that is so good for them.. don't you agree? Are you freaking kidding me?!?! How is this right in anyone's mind?!? Who sincerly thinks that without obvious care of animals that they can think they can take care of 200 hundred dogs. Do you think its right to put a dog in a wire rat wheel instead of a nice stroll in a park? Oh but apparently its inhumane because they would be out in the rain and the wind... super. Yes, the elements sound so much worse than a wire rat wheel. right.
I have an absolutely great solution. Instead of buying at a pet store you go to a shelter, where there are dogs truly in need. Yes you may see sights you would rather not. You may see hundreds of animals in need of a good home, of loving people. But don't you think that if we stop buying at pet stores and through backyard breeders a.k.a puppymills, that just maybe that would cut down on so many puppies and dogs and cats being submitted into shelters.
The first sign that the cute little puppy with its wagging tail and mouth full of licks for you and your family has something wrong with it, something that cannot be fixed by a pill or a $25.00 vet visit. Most people survey the situation and give that animal to a shelter. Especially in the economic times we are in right now, this situation is up more than ever.
Please don't you see, you can help, you can be advocate for these animals. You can put in your two cents to help animals in need. You can give a monetary donation. you can be a foster home, you can adopt from a shelter, you can volunteer your time, you can help. You don't have to have tons of money or tons of time. You can help, they don't have a voice, they can't tell you that they are in pain or they are sick or that you are hurting them, or worst yet, please, please, don't kill me. Please take me home, don't kill me. You can help. Please do.

Please visit
https://www.bestfriends.org/donate/puppy.cfm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHHDRo6hqnU
http://www.bestfriends.org/nomorehomelesspets/

Today isn't what I wanted.

Today is a really bad day. I woke up and all I could think about was Patrick. Maybe he remembers the good times, maybe he doesn't. Maybe he has already moved on, ya, I'm betting on that. I go to sleep thinking about how things were, before Louisiana, before madness. He goes to sleep thinking of her. He has it easy. He is the one who did the breaking up. He doesn't have to remember how we were. He doesn't have to remember rainy days and frozen pizza with a day of Halo. He doesn't have to remember the first time he told me he loved me, or when he said he doesn't like to dance, but when I was moving out, in the living room with a box in my hands, he put on Bon Jovi's. 'You had me at Hello'. He danced with me then, like he had never had. He doesn't have to remember, he gets to calm me down and tell me it has been over long before he had even broken up with me, and he gets to flirt with other women and not think that I go to sleep crying every night.
Today is a bad day. How do I move on, when I feel there is so much left to live in the past. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to feel? How do I do this? I rely on God, but the pain is still here. I rely on God, but I still miss him so much. He didn't even talk to me yesterday. He was on all day and not one word. I kept thinking, oh, the first day, every day after this should be a breeze, because we've been one day without talking. Boy, was I wrong.
Today, I hurt. I greive and I just want to cry. My chest literally feels heavy and my heart literally feels broken. The pieces just being thrown about in there, with every heave of breath I try to take as I bawl my eyes out. It's hard letting you all know what I'm going through. It's hard to open up. It scares me what my family and friends must think. Especially the ones I've neglected to tell that Patrick and I are no longer together. Like my mom. I just want to avoid conversations like 'it's going to be okay', 'you'll be fine', oh, and I totally love this one.. 'you are better off without him'. Who in the hell says that to someone? Especially when the significant other was a great man. I could understand if he beat the shit out of me. Or if he cheated, or said mean things. But what the hell!?!?!
He was great and he just stopped loving me. He decided that he no longer thought he wanted to be with me. It was too much for him. It was too much for him to be with the only person that has ever supported him. The only one that says don't throw away your work, it's great. The only one that has ever backed him up. He doesn't want that. He wants to be with someone who maybe thinks his art is mediocre, someone who who has better things to do than to please him, someone who isn't willing to put their dreams on hold, or adjust those dreams to where he is wanting to move that week.
I know this doesn't matter now, it hasn't for a while. It just feels better if he reads this and maybe thinks for a microsecond that he made a bad decision. That maybe he fucked it up. I never want him to feel that way. I want him to always feel that he did what was best for him. But there is just a part of my soul that wants him to suffer, that wants him to feel as horrible as I do. But really, I would never want that. I want him to be happy. Happier than he ever was with me.

Hell if I know, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Trying to keep busy...

I've been trying to keep busy today. If I sit for too long just to chill, I start thinking about Patrick and our now demolished relationship. I've cleaned my bathroom, Living Room, Kitchen, just about everything today. I've read and watched Kung Fu Pandan and played with my boys.
Last night we got hit with a really bad storm and our electricity went out around 8pm and was restored this morning around 11am. Since then, our internet and tv have been out. but were just recently restored. So all is good in the hood:)
I've decided that maybe Patrick and I aren't the end of the world. Of course I still love him and would love to be with him, but if he no longer wants to be with me. Then obviously, nothing I can do! So I've decided to hopefully get a job here in town. It's a really small town, Many La. There are only two job openings that I qualify for, and really other than occupational therapy, those two jobs are the only ones around. So I'm going to apply and hopefully get one of them. Once doing that I'll save, put a down payment on tuition and then move to Arkansas.
As much as I would totally love to move to San Diego right now, I just feel Arkansas is were I need to be. My siblings and three nephews are there, so I'm totally stoked. It has completely thrown me off guard being on my own, but with God, I'm sure I can make it through.

God, it's so hard to find hope in my earthly trials! Comfort me today, and give me the strength to keep pressing on as I trust in your promise of my eternal freedom!

Quotes/Prayers

Here are some Bible quotes/prayers that are helping me get through some things, they may help you too.

Dear God, you walk with me through the fire and soothe my pain with your love. Thank you for giving me this extraordinary gift: freedom from fear even in frightening situations.

Father, grant me the freedom to care less about what others think of me or how I appear to them and help me to care more about what you think of me and how I appear to you. Bless my days and make them full of unself-conscious moments of glorious freedom

Father, thank you for your perfect love. I invite you to flood every space in my heart and every question in my spirit with your love and peace

Father, help me to remember that you are in control of everything, and I'm not! Help me to submit to your will for my life and to stop worrying about things I cannot change.

Jesus, nothing matters to me now but you. Please keep my feet on the narrow road, and don't let anything come between us!

God, thank you for forgiving my sins and setting me from condemnation. Help me today to drink more deeply from your well of love, forgiveness, and grace.

God, no matter what comes into my life today, help me obey what you say: "fear not!"

Father God, today I will take you at your Word, regardless of what I think or feel. Help me experience the freedom that comes from clinging to your truth.

And lastly, this one has been helping me a lot lately

Lord, help me remember that I don't have to figure out the big picture by myself. I'll just keep believing, praying and trusting you, knowing that you have a great plan for me!

Only God can help me now

I feel jipped. All of the memories that Patrick and I had, they are only mine now. I have no one to share stupid sayings with. I have no one to share a pic with an alligator or my first trip to the ocean with, or staying up late eating sheet cake instead of going to work. I feel like I have five years worth of memories that are only mine. I feel upset and sad and lonely. I don't understand. He says there is nothing I can do. He just doesn't feel anything for me anymore. How, after five years you just don't feel love for someone anymore? How do you forget all the memories and just leave them? How do you leave someone that needs you so much? I need him. And he just acts like things are fine, like it's alright. I've come to accept that God is the only one I can depend on. I guess I need to focus on him and and how I can devote my life to him. I'm scared. I have nothing here. I wish I would have never moved to Louisiana. It was the worst decision I've ever made. I don't know anymore.

In these times...

So my mom and I were talking yesterday about her friend. Who happens to be about to drop $4000.00 on a dog! I heard this and I was completely outraged! I mean, obviously, unless you are living under a rock, you know we are in a recession. People have opened up animal soup kitchens! Shelter submission is at an all time high! Shelter's are having to euthanize 3x the animals that they were having to last year. People can't afford their animals! And you are seriously telling me she is going to spend 4k on a dog?!?!
I can totally understand about wanting a certain breed line and wanting the line that has the least amount of hip displasiya, or any other medical problems. But you are seriously telling me that you want to spend $4000 on that dog and then spend a ton more money traveling around the US showing it? I mean I understand, but the outrage isn't any less.
Instead why don't you adopt a dog from a shelter and give the rest of that money to that shelter to keep the animals there alive for another week! I mean, wouldn't helping others feel so much better than winning a ribbon and some points on your dog?! Wouldn't the feeling that you kept animals alive for another week or two, feel better than running around a ring and getting a championship?
I know a championship and points on your dog may be a big part of your life, but in these times when people can't afford their housing, schools, animals, food, anything..wouldn't it feel better to give back. You obviously are making enough to afford your bills and all, why don't you give back. You're blessed, and you help. Why don't you?