Hate this right now.

I totally am tired of feeling regret. I'm tired of feeling that I'm not doing the right things. I'm not doing what people expect, what they want, what they think I should be doing. I want to move to Arkansas, I want to be near my siblings (well four of them). I want to see my nephews grow up. I don't want them to never know me. I don't want them to think of me as the Aunt that sends presents and they see every few months. But I feel like I'm the only person that feels like they are made for something more. I feel like I'm more than what Kansas or Arkansas can give me. I feel like I don't want to stay in one place and do one job. I hate monotony. I hate the same thing every day. I feel like I don't know. I don't want my Taryn or Moira or Sean or Brett or Daniel or Beth to ever think I don't love them. I don't want them to think because I haven't moved there yet, that I don't want to be with them. It's hard for me to think of being in one place and settling down. I mean is there something wrong with me because of that. Do I have a problem? I mean, is there something wrong. I feel as if I should put what I feel aside to be with the ones I love. I should fight the urge to run and to be on the move. I don't think this is what God had in store for me. I constantly feel like they are going to hate me. They are going to be disappointed or be like oh well she let us down again.
I love Patrick. Although I'm moving back to Kansas right now, it has never been intended to be permanent. I know he wants more from life, he wants to travel and we both want to move to SD, but he really loves Topeka. He loves being there. I can't do it. I love all of my family, but I'm unable to stay there. I can't do it.

I hope they don't hate me. This weighs on my conscious every day. And I'm sorry if it means I lied to you, I didn't mean to. I love you and I hope through all of this you guys still love me too. I'm sorry.