Imma be okay

So, today has been better. A lot better. I haven't really thought about Pat. Really, the only time I have, I turned around and saw Mike Rowe in a fluffy short red robe with a cute pink heart on it, talking about Tilapia eating it's own poop. That was enough to stop my thoughts of a demolished relationship.
Things are going better. Pat and I talked today and not about the break up. I think things will get better. I spent oh gosh, like three hours today just throwing Tibby (see left) his rope bone. Which he enjoyed immensely! I've been trying to teach him to stay.. that's not going too well. lol.
I do have faith that things will get better. Maybe right now isn't the right time for a relationship, for either of us. Maybe one day, fate will bring us back together. Maybe not. Who knows. I still have thoughts that he'll be with someone new. But it isn't anything I can control. I've just got to remember to keep praying and keep asking God to help me heal and help me not worry about the things I cannot control. I've just got to worry about me, I guess. Me and my kids. I've got to acquire a job and some monies. I still don't know how that will happen in this one horse town, but God's got my back
On to other subjects. Can you believe that KU vs MIst game last night?!?! I cannot believe that KU lost in the Sweet 16!! I cried.. a little.. one tear. It's alright though. We're still a great team!

Anyway, that's all I've got to say now,
Peace
K

Puppy Mill capital of the world

I'm currently watching a program about Amish puppy mills in Lancaster county Pennsylvania. It is known as the puppy mill capital of the world. These images are disgusting. They kill animals when they can't breed anymore. They shove sharp objects down their throats so they cannot bark so the ones who do not have licenses will not be discovered. I just want you to stop, and think, shoving a sharp lead pipe down your throat, no anesthesia, so you won't talk. Is this right to you? Is this alright? Why are we not doing more about this? Why are we allowing these people to do these things just to sell puppies to pet stores.
They are bred on chicken wire. They live their entire lives in a 3x4 chicken wire cage. They don't go outside to potty, they don't get long naps on the couch. They eat, drink and potty all in the same area. The same 3x4 spot. For their entire lives.
This man apparently has a state of the art facility, they stand on 3X4 plastic mats... oooooohhh that is so good for them.. don't you agree? Are you freaking kidding me?!?! How is this right in anyone's mind?!? Who sincerly thinks that without obvious care of animals that they can think they can take care of 200 hundred dogs. Do you think its right to put a dog in a wire rat wheel instead of a nice stroll in a park? Oh but apparently its inhumane because they would be out in the rain and the wind... super. Yes, the elements sound so much worse than a wire rat wheel. right.
I have an absolutely great solution. Instead of buying at a pet store you go to a shelter, where there are dogs truly in need. Yes you may see sights you would rather not. You may see hundreds of animals in need of a good home, of loving people. But don't you think that if we stop buying at pet stores and through backyard breeders a.k.a puppymills, that just maybe that would cut down on so many puppies and dogs and cats being submitted into shelters.
The first sign that the cute little puppy with its wagging tail and mouth full of licks for you and your family has something wrong with it, something that cannot be fixed by a pill or a $25.00 vet visit. Most people survey the situation and give that animal to a shelter. Especially in the economic times we are in right now, this situation is up more than ever.
Please don't you see, you can help, you can be advocate for these animals. You can put in your two cents to help animals in need. You can give a monetary donation. you can be a foster home, you can adopt from a shelter, you can volunteer your time, you can help. You don't have to have tons of money or tons of time. You can help, they don't have a voice, they can't tell you that they are in pain or they are sick or that you are hurting them, or worst yet, please, please, don't kill me. Please take me home, don't kill me. You can help. Please do.

Please visit
https://www.bestfriends.org/donate/puppy.cfm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHHDRo6hqnU
http://www.bestfriends.org/nomorehomelesspets/

Today isn't what I wanted.

Today is a really bad day. I woke up and all I could think about was Patrick. Maybe he remembers the good times, maybe he doesn't. Maybe he has already moved on, ya, I'm betting on that. I go to sleep thinking about how things were, before Louisiana, before madness. He goes to sleep thinking of her. He has it easy. He is the one who did the breaking up. He doesn't have to remember how we were. He doesn't have to remember rainy days and frozen pizza with a day of Halo. He doesn't have to remember the first time he told me he loved me, or when he said he doesn't like to dance, but when I was moving out, in the living room with a box in my hands, he put on Bon Jovi's. 'You had me at Hello'. He danced with me then, like he had never had. He doesn't have to remember, he gets to calm me down and tell me it has been over long before he had even broken up with me, and he gets to flirt with other women and not think that I go to sleep crying every night.
Today is a bad day. How do I move on, when I feel there is so much left to live in the past. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to feel? How do I do this? I rely on God, but the pain is still here. I rely on God, but I still miss him so much. He didn't even talk to me yesterday. He was on all day and not one word. I kept thinking, oh, the first day, every day after this should be a breeze, because we've been one day without talking. Boy, was I wrong.
Today, I hurt. I greive and I just want to cry. My chest literally feels heavy and my heart literally feels broken. The pieces just being thrown about in there, with every heave of breath I try to take as I bawl my eyes out. It's hard letting you all know what I'm going through. It's hard to open up. It scares me what my family and friends must think. Especially the ones I've neglected to tell that Patrick and I are no longer together. Like my mom. I just want to avoid conversations like 'it's going to be okay', 'you'll be fine', oh, and I totally love this one.. 'you are better off without him'. Who in the hell says that to someone? Especially when the significant other was a great man. I could understand if he beat the shit out of me. Or if he cheated, or said mean things. But what the hell!?!?!
He was great and he just stopped loving me. He decided that he no longer thought he wanted to be with me. It was too much for him. It was too much for him to be with the only person that has ever supported him. The only one that says don't throw away your work, it's great. The only one that has ever backed him up. He doesn't want that. He wants to be with someone who maybe thinks his art is mediocre, someone who who has better things to do than to please him, someone who isn't willing to put their dreams on hold, or adjust those dreams to where he is wanting to move that week.
I know this doesn't matter now, it hasn't for a while. It just feels better if he reads this and maybe thinks for a microsecond that he made a bad decision. That maybe he fucked it up. I never want him to feel that way. I want him to always feel that he did what was best for him. But there is just a part of my soul that wants him to suffer, that wants him to feel as horrible as I do. But really, I would never want that. I want him to be happy. Happier than he ever was with me.

Hell if I know, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Trying to keep busy...

I've been trying to keep busy today. If I sit for too long just to chill, I start thinking about Patrick and our now demolished relationship. I've cleaned my bathroom, Living Room, Kitchen, just about everything today. I've read and watched Kung Fu Pandan and played with my boys.
Last night we got hit with a really bad storm and our electricity went out around 8pm and was restored this morning around 11am. Since then, our internet and tv have been out. but were just recently restored. So all is good in the hood:)
I've decided that maybe Patrick and I aren't the end of the world. Of course I still love him and would love to be with him, but if he no longer wants to be with me. Then obviously, nothing I can do! So I've decided to hopefully get a job here in town. It's a really small town, Many La. There are only two job openings that I qualify for, and really other than occupational therapy, those two jobs are the only ones around. So I'm going to apply and hopefully get one of them. Once doing that I'll save, put a down payment on tuition and then move to Arkansas.
As much as I would totally love to move to San Diego right now, I just feel Arkansas is were I need to be. My siblings and three nephews are there, so I'm totally stoked. It has completely thrown me off guard being on my own, but with God, I'm sure I can make it through.

God, it's so hard to find hope in my earthly trials! Comfort me today, and give me the strength to keep pressing on as I trust in your promise of my eternal freedom!

Quotes/Prayers

Here are some Bible quotes/prayers that are helping me get through some things, they may help you too.

Dear God, you walk with me through the fire and soothe my pain with your love. Thank you for giving me this extraordinary gift: freedom from fear even in frightening situations.

Father, grant me the freedom to care less about what others think of me or how I appear to them and help me to care more about what you think of me and how I appear to you. Bless my days and make them full of unself-conscious moments of glorious freedom

Father, thank you for your perfect love. I invite you to flood every space in my heart and every question in my spirit with your love and peace

Father, help me to remember that you are in control of everything, and I'm not! Help me to submit to your will for my life and to stop worrying about things I cannot change.

Jesus, nothing matters to me now but you. Please keep my feet on the narrow road, and don't let anything come between us!

God, thank you for forgiving my sins and setting me from condemnation. Help me today to drink more deeply from your well of love, forgiveness, and grace.

God, no matter what comes into my life today, help me obey what you say: "fear not!"

Father God, today I will take you at your Word, regardless of what I think or feel. Help me experience the freedom that comes from clinging to your truth.

And lastly, this one has been helping me a lot lately

Lord, help me remember that I don't have to figure out the big picture by myself. I'll just keep believing, praying and trusting you, knowing that you have a great plan for me!

Only God can help me now

I feel jipped. All of the memories that Patrick and I had, they are only mine now. I have no one to share stupid sayings with. I have no one to share a pic with an alligator or my first trip to the ocean with, or staying up late eating sheet cake instead of going to work. I feel like I have five years worth of memories that are only mine. I feel upset and sad and lonely. I don't understand. He says there is nothing I can do. He just doesn't feel anything for me anymore. How, after five years you just don't feel love for someone anymore? How do you forget all the memories and just leave them? How do you leave someone that needs you so much? I need him. And he just acts like things are fine, like it's alright. I've come to accept that God is the only one I can depend on. I guess I need to focus on him and and how I can devote my life to him. I'm scared. I have nothing here. I wish I would have never moved to Louisiana. It was the worst decision I've ever made. I don't know anymore.

In these times...

So my mom and I were talking yesterday about her friend. Who happens to be about to drop $4000.00 on a dog! I heard this and I was completely outraged! I mean, obviously, unless you are living under a rock, you know we are in a recession. People have opened up animal soup kitchens! Shelter submission is at an all time high! Shelter's are having to euthanize 3x the animals that they were having to last year. People can't afford their animals! And you are seriously telling me she is going to spend 4k on a dog?!?!
I can totally understand about wanting a certain breed line and wanting the line that has the least amount of hip displasiya, or any other medical problems. But you are seriously telling me that you want to spend $4000 on that dog and then spend a ton more money traveling around the US showing it? I mean I understand, but the outrage isn't any less.
Instead why don't you adopt a dog from a shelter and give the rest of that money to that shelter to keep the animals there alive for another week! I mean, wouldn't helping others feel so much better than winning a ribbon and some points on your dog?! Wouldn't the feeling that you kept animals alive for another week or two, feel better than running around a ring and getting a championship?
I know a championship and points on your dog may be a big part of your life, but in these times when people can't afford their housing, schools, animals, food, anything..wouldn't it feel better to give back. You obviously are making enough to afford your bills and all, why don't you give back. You're blessed, and you help. Why don't you?