Pure Chaos

I like don't even know what I'm even like feeling anymore! It's surreal. Like, Im so lost in how much I want things to work out with Patrick, but I know I'm better off without him. I mean, in the five years we were together, I dropped out of school, lost jobs, like all this stuff. And no it wasn't because of him, but I was so lost in trying to be a house wife, I put my dreams on hold.
Him and I have been broken up for 7 months. I'm in school, I'm getting ready to move, and no not to kansas, but i do have to keep it secret!!! So in 5 months, when those who are to be surprised find out, you will too!! But it's totally scary doing this on my own. Like I was going through some old stuff and Pat and I, like our bills were over $1000.00 a month! I don't even make $1000.00 in a month! Like what am i supposed to do if things don't work out, or I dont have all the money for something? Like Im so scared that things are going to turn sour. I've always have back up. When I leave my parent's house, it's all on me. That is terrifying! Like horribly terrifying!
But besides being scared half to death, I am currently attaining my certification for Veterinary Assistance. it's not what I want my final career position to be, but it's a start, and those skills will always be necessary for a biologist, I do believe. I don't know. I feel like I fell behind, because I felt the need to party, instead of study (what the hell was i thinking?!?!). So now I feel like Im trying to rush and race and finish things. If I would have just done this all in the beginning, I would probably be where I want to be in life, and not being all weird and feeling akward about my life. I see friends from HS and JH and it's like what the hell?! Like if I knew then what I know now and could some how go back, I would have slapped myself silly!! But what is done is done and I don't regret it.
I'm hoping to go on vacation to CA before moving. My mom's HS friend Nita invited us out, and I really hope we can make it work. I don't want to always think of CA and how much fun I had, and always think of Pat. I love CA though, it's beautiful!

Anyway, I'm just rambling now!
Write more later!

Love Always,
K