Today isn't what I wanted.

Today is a really bad day. I woke up and all I could think about was Patrick. Maybe he remembers the good times, maybe he doesn't. Maybe he has already moved on, ya, I'm betting on that. I go to sleep thinking about how things were, before Louisiana, before madness. He goes to sleep thinking of her. He has it easy. He is the one who did the breaking up. He doesn't have to remember how we were. He doesn't have to remember rainy days and frozen pizza with a day of Halo. He doesn't have to remember the first time he told me he loved me, or when he said he doesn't like to dance, but when I was moving out, in the living room with a box in my hands, he put on Bon Jovi's. 'You had me at Hello'. He danced with me then, like he had never had. He doesn't have to remember, he gets to calm me down and tell me it has been over long before he had even broken up with me, and he gets to flirt with other women and not think that I go to sleep crying every night.
Today is a bad day. How do I move on, when I feel there is so much left to live in the past. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to feel? How do I do this? I rely on God, but the pain is still here. I rely on God, but I still miss him so much. He didn't even talk to me yesterday. He was on all day and not one word. I kept thinking, oh, the first day, every day after this should be a breeze, because we've been one day without talking. Boy, was I wrong.
Today, I hurt. I greive and I just want to cry. My chest literally feels heavy and my heart literally feels broken. The pieces just being thrown about in there, with every heave of breath I try to take as I bawl my eyes out. It's hard letting you all know what I'm going through. It's hard to open up. It scares me what my family and friends must think. Especially the ones I've neglected to tell that Patrick and I are no longer together. Like my mom. I just want to avoid conversations like 'it's going to be okay', 'you'll be fine', oh, and I totally love this one.. 'you are better off without him'. Who in the hell says that to someone? Especially when the significant other was a great man. I could understand if he beat the shit out of me. Or if he cheated, or said mean things. But what the hell!?!?!
He was great and he just stopped loving me. He decided that he no longer thought he wanted to be with me. It was too much for him. It was too much for him to be with the only person that has ever supported him. The only one that says don't throw away your work, it's great. The only one that has ever backed him up. He doesn't want that. He wants to be with someone who maybe thinks his art is mediocre, someone who who has better things to do than to please him, someone who isn't willing to put their dreams on hold, or adjust those dreams to where he is wanting to move that week.
I know this doesn't matter now, it hasn't for a while. It just feels better if he reads this and maybe thinks for a microsecond that he made a bad decision. That maybe he fucked it up. I never want him to feel that way. I want him to always feel that he did what was best for him. But there is just a part of my soul that wants him to suffer, that wants him to feel as horrible as I do. But really, I would never want that. I want him to be happy. Happier than he ever was with me.

Hell if I know, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.