Isn't all that sad.

Please do not get me wrong, I'm terribly distraught that I won't be moving back to Kansas to work things out with Patrick. But at the same time, like, I'm really not that sad. We've been going back and forth since like, what, December? Im horribly sad, but Im not. I'm happy that this gives me the opportunity to find someone who loves God as much as they love me. But I think of everything Pat and I went through, he's still my best friend, and I cry. I bawl. But I guess nothing was meant to last forever. I miss him. Maybe I'm not that sad because I don't see him. I haven't for like 5 months. Maybe I'm not that sad, because I knew it would never work. Or maybe God has filled my heart with his love so I don't hurt as much. Whatever it is, I'm greatful. I feel happiness that it's over. No more fighting, no more any of it. I don't have to fight with his family, or beg to be treated to my standards. Not that he ever treated me bad, we just have different ideals of different things. Let me restate that...Patrick NEVER treated me badly. My heart is still with him. Part of me thinks that it always will be. Maybe we'll be together again one day, maybe we won't Only God knows, and I'd like to keep it that way. What I do know, is that him and I have our 5 babies, and they are well taken care of. We both still love them very much, and both are trying to be active in their lives. I'm glad he still cares, I'm glad he's still my best friend. I do wish him all the happiness the world can provide. I hope he finds what he is looking for.

I love you always,
K

Hate this right now.

I totally am tired of feeling regret. I'm tired of feeling that I'm not doing the right things. I'm not doing what people expect, what they want, what they think I should be doing. I want to move to Arkansas, I want to be near my siblings (well four of them). I want to see my nephews grow up. I don't want them to never know me. I don't want them to think of me as the Aunt that sends presents and they see every few months. But I feel like I'm the only person that feels like they are made for something more. I feel like I'm more than what Kansas or Arkansas can give me. I feel like I don't want to stay in one place and do one job. I hate monotony. I hate the same thing every day. I feel like I don't know. I don't want my Taryn or Moira or Sean or Brett or Daniel or Beth to ever think I don't love them. I don't want them to think because I haven't moved there yet, that I don't want to be with them. It's hard for me to think of being in one place and settling down. I mean is there something wrong with me because of that. Do I have a problem? I mean, is there something wrong. I feel as if I should put what I feel aside to be with the ones I love. I should fight the urge to run and to be on the move. I don't think this is what God had in store for me. I constantly feel like they are going to hate me. They are going to be disappointed or be like oh well she let us down again.
I love Patrick. Although I'm moving back to Kansas right now, it has never been intended to be permanent. I know he wants more from life, he wants to travel and we both want to move to SD, but he really loves Topeka. He loves being there. I can't do it. I love all of my family, but I'm unable to stay there. I can't do it.

I hope they don't hate me. This weighs on my conscious every day. And I'm sorry if it means I lied to you, I didn't mean to. I love you and I hope through all of this you guys still love me too. I'm sorry.

Who cares

I am absolutely beside myself over this whole Patrick mess. He is back in Kansas and back to not taking my calls. He insists this is all just a big misunderstanding made up in my brain. Of course, I just called and what? Shocker?!?! He didn't answer, nor has he called me back. So the last big tiff him and I had regarded this chick Morgan. Him and her have gotten particularly close and yes, have kissed. Back then of course he didn't tell me that. He insists that he has referred back to that conversation and has told me " the last time we talked about this, I hadn't kissed her" But he had when I asked him about it that time. Only when he was feeling close to me and we were getting along particularly well, he told me. Why couldn't he had just told me at that point, yes I kissed her. I understand why he would think I would get upset. Wouldn't you? I mean wouldn't he? He says he wouldn't, but he was the one that did the breaking up. Of course he wouldn't care if another guys tongue was shoved in my mouth. He wants me to move back to kansas, I don't know why he insists that he wants to get me out of that situation and moved back to kansas, in the same house as him, but he isn't sure if we are able to work things out. Maybe he can commit to someone else? Maybe it's just me. I mean we were together for four and a half years, and he couldn't even tell me he didn't want to marry me. He said that he wanted to, when I moved out the first time. He said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, he was even willing to get baptized and convert to Christianity for me. But I just don't get it, he skirts around the issue, like the whole " have you kissed her" thing. He just should have said yes. I think the least I deserve is the truth and the honest truth, not the when it's convenient for me truth. Just tell me the fucking truth. Sorry for the cussing, but I'm 24 and he is 29, we should be over this crap. I'm tired of playing games. Like Morgan, I emailed her asking if anything was going on between the two of them, now ususally I don't do such things, seeing as I'm 24 and not 12. But I've invested so much, and I know Patrick has as well, but I just want the truth. But anyway, so I emailed her and she told me I would have to talk to Patrick about it. I told her thanks and that was it. Then a week later, after Patrick pissed her off, she emails me, " If you have questions, now is the time to ask." Only later after the fact, did I find out that she emailed me and then blocked me. So, what was the point? To torment someone who has lost the only person in her life that meant shit? To hurt someone who has already been hurt too often, who would do that? I just can't do this anymore. I can't do the games, I can't do the drama and I can't deal with stupid bitches who think they are someone in his life. So what, you kissed him, I gave him a son bitch. Try that one out. I know I shouldn't be so angry, but I dedicated four almost five years of my life to that relationship, and yes, not all of it was good. Alot of it was bad, but I love him. I still do. But he treats it like it's a game. He always has. I'm tired. I just want things to be how they were, before the girlfriends and the lies and all of it. As much as I love him and I totally want things to work out. I dont think that they are. I can't do this anymore. I love him. so much. I can't do this again. I can't be with someone who treats me like a game. I gave everything, jobs, friends, a city which I loved. Who cares anymore? He doesn't. I do. It doesnt matter.

On the other hand, after he broke my heart, I really found God again. I found how whole I could be with a relationship with my Holy Father. And Patrick of course doesn't believe in God, he would have gotten baptized, only to be a hypocrite, because he doesn't believe. How am I supposed to try and work things out with someone whom, I will only be with in this life. And how can you believe that our son is in heaven, but you don't even believe. I'll see Kal-El again some day and he won't He will never see his son, and he just doesn't care. I pray for him every day. Every day I ask God to change his heart. Maybe I do this so I can feel better if him and I do work things out, sometimes I feel like that. Sometimes I feel like I really do want him to be a Christian. I know I do, in my heart, I want him to be saved. I want to see him in our eternal homes. But what do I do now? How do I move on? Do I give Patrick our animals and write it all off? Do I stay here or move to Arkansas and we drive back and forth to share the animals? Do I move back to Kansas? Back to the drama? Back to all of it, all of the crap I'm trying to run from? I don't know. I wish I was given the answers. I'm tired of guessing and walking this walk alone. I'm tired of being alone through all of this. I'm sorry.

Some Daily Cuteness

So I went to the restroom and my lab, Tibby followed me in there. Like always, apparently I'm not a big girl.. So I had the a/c on and i put a towel over the vent because it feels like the tundra in there. Well I asked Tibby what the air bubble under the towel was and I started poking it. He became completely immersed in this and started freaking out and braking at it, He kept putting his nose to the ground through the bubble. He was probably like WTF? What is hiding under there! Lol. So he scratched the towel out of his way and got a gush of air up his nose from the vent... needless to say, it freaked him out and he tried to attack it. lol

Imma be okay

So, today has been better. A lot better. I haven't really thought about Pat. Really, the only time I have, I turned around and saw Mike Rowe in a fluffy short red robe with a cute pink heart on it, talking about Tilapia eating it's own poop. That was enough to stop my thoughts of a demolished relationship.
Things are going better. Pat and I talked today and not about the break up. I think things will get better. I spent oh gosh, like three hours today just throwing Tibby (see left) his rope bone. Which he enjoyed immensely! I've been trying to teach him to stay.. that's not going too well. lol.
I do have faith that things will get better. Maybe right now isn't the right time for a relationship, for either of us. Maybe one day, fate will bring us back together. Maybe not. Who knows. I still have thoughts that he'll be with someone new. But it isn't anything I can control. I've just got to remember to keep praying and keep asking God to help me heal and help me not worry about the things I cannot control. I've just got to worry about me, I guess. Me and my kids. I've got to acquire a job and some monies. I still don't know how that will happen in this one horse town, but God's got my back
On to other subjects. Can you believe that KU vs MIst game last night?!?! I cannot believe that KU lost in the Sweet 16!! I cried.. a little.. one tear. It's alright though. We're still a great team!

Anyway, that's all I've got to say now,
Peace
K

Puppy Mill capital of the world

I'm currently watching a program about Amish puppy mills in Lancaster county Pennsylvania. It is known as the puppy mill capital of the world. These images are disgusting. They kill animals when they can't breed anymore. They shove sharp objects down their throats so they cannot bark so the ones who do not have licenses will not be discovered. I just want you to stop, and think, shoving a sharp lead pipe down your throat, no anesthesia, so you won't talk. Is this right to you? Is this alright? Why are we not doing more about this? Why are we allowing these people to do these things just to sell puppies to pet stores.
They are bred on chicken wire. They live their entire lives in a 3x4 chicken wire cage. They don't go outside to potty, they don't get long naps on the couch. They eat, drink and potty all in the same area. The same 3x4 spot. For their entire lives.
This man apparently has a state of the art facility, they stand on 3X4 plastic mats... oooooohhh that is so good for them.. don't you agree? Are you freaking kidding me?!?! How is this right in anyone's mind?!? Who sincerly thinks that without obvious care of animals that they can think they can take care of 200 hundred dogs. Do you think its right to put a dog in a wire rat wheel instead of a nice stroll in a park? Oh but apparently its inhumane because they would be out in the rain and the wind... super. Yes, the elements sound so much worse than a wire rat wheel. right.
I have an absolutely great solution. Instead of buying at a pet store you go to a shelter, where there are dogs truly in need. Yes you may see sights you would rather not. You may see hundreds of animals in need of a good home, of loving people. But don't you think that if we stop buying at pet stores and through backyard breeders a.k.a puppymills, that just maybe that would cut down on so many puppies and dogs and cats being submitted into shelters.
The first sign that the cute little puppy with its wagging tail and mouth full of licks for you and your family has something wrong with it, something that cannot be fixed by a pill or a $25.00 vet visit. Most people survey the situation and give that animal to a shelter. Especially in the economic times we are in right now, this situation is up more than ever.
Please don't you see, you can help, you can be advocate for these animals. You can put in your two cents to help animals in need. You can give a monetary donation. you can be a foster home, you can adopt from a shelter, you can volunteer your time, you can help. You don't have to have tons of money or tons of time. You can help, they don't have a voice, they can't tell you that they are in pain or they are sick or that you are hurting them, or worst yet, please, please, don't kill me. Please take me home, don't kill me. You can help. Please do.

Please visit
https://www.bestfriends.org/donate/puppy.cfm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHHDRo6hqnU
http://www.bestfriends.org/nomorehomelesspets/

Today isn't what I wanted.

Today is a really bad day. I woke up and all I could think about was Patrick. Maybe he remembers the good times, maybe he doesn't. Maybe he has already moved on, ya, I'm betting on that. I go to sleep thinking about how things were, before Louisiana, before madness. He goes to sleep thinking of her. He has it easy. He is the one who did the breaking up. He doesn't have to remember how we were. He doesn't have to remember rainy days and frozen pizza with a day of Halo. He doesn't have to remember the first time he told me he loved me, or when he said he doesn't like to dance, but when I was moving out, in the living room with a box in my hands, he put on Bon Jovi's. 'You had me at Hello'. He danced with me then, like he had never had. He doesn't have to remember, he gets to calm me down and tell me it has been over long before he had even broken up with me, and he gets to flirt with other women and not think that I go to sleep crying every night.
Today is a bad day. How do I move on, when I feel there is so much left to live in the past. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to feel? How do I do this? I rely on God, but the pain is still here. I rely on God, but I still miss him so much. He didn't even talk to me yesterday. He was on all day and not one word. I kept thinking, oh, the first day, every day after this should be a breeze, because we've been one day without talking. Boy, was I wrong.
Today, I hurt. I greive and I just want to cry. My chest literally feels heavy and my heart literally feels broken. The pieces just being thrown about in there, with every heave of breath I try to take as I bawl my eyes out. It's hard letting you all know what I'm going through. It's hard to open up. It scares me what my family and friends must think. Especially the ones I've neglected to tell that Patrick and I are no longer together. Like my mom. I just want to avoid conversations like 'it's going to be okay', 'you'll be fine', oh, and I totally love this one.. 'you are better off without him'. Who in the hell says that to someone? Especially when the significant other was a great man. I could understand if he beat the shit out of me. Or if he cheated, or said mean things. But what the hell!?!?!
He was great and he just stopped loving me. He decided that he no longer thought he wanted to be with me. It was too much for him. It was too much for him to be with the only person that has ever supported him. The only one that says don't throw away your work, it's great. The only one that has ever backed him up. He doesn't want that. He wants to be with someone who maybe thinks his art is mediocre, someone who who has better things to do than to please him, someone who isn't willing to put their dreams on hold, or adjust those dreams to where he is wanting to move that week.
I know this doesn't matter now, it hasn't for a while. It just feels better if he reads this and maybe thinks for a microsecond that he made a bad decision. That maybe he fucked it up. I never want him to feel that way. I want him to always feel that he did what was best for him. But there is just a part of my soul that wants him to suffer, that wants him to feel as horrible as I do. But really, I would never want that. I want him to be happy. Happier than he ever was with me.

Hell if I know, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.