Isn't all that sad.

Please do not get me wrong, I'm terribly distraught that I won't be moving back to Kansas to work things out with Patrick. But at the same time, like, I'm really not that sad. We've been going back and forth since like, what, December? Im horribly sad, but Im not. I'm happy that this gives me the opportunity to find someone who loves God as much as they love me. But I think of everything Pat and I went through, he's still my best friend, and I cry. I bawl. But I guess nothing was meant to last forever. I miss him. Maybe I'm not that sad because I don't see him. I haven't for like 5 months. Maybe I'm not that sad, because I knew it would never work. Or maybe God has filled my heart with his love so I don't hurt as much. Whatever it is, I'm greatful. I feel happiness that it's over. No more fighting, no more any of it. I don't have to fight with his family, or beg to be treated to my standards. Not that he ever treated me bad, we just have different ideals of different things. Let me restate that...Patrick NEVER treated me badly. My heart is still with him. Part of me thinks that it always will be. Maybe we'll be together again one day, maybe we won't Only God knows, and I'd like to keep it that way. What I do know, is that him and I have our 5 babies, and they are well taken care of. We both still love them very much, and both are trying to be active in their lives. I'm glad he still cares, I'm glad he's still my best friend. I do wish him all the happiness the world can provide. I hope he finds what he is looking for.

I love you always,
K

Imma be okay

So, today has been better. A lot better. I haven't really thought about Pat. Really, the only time I have, I turned around and saw Mike Rowe in a fluffy short red robe with a cute pink heart on it, talking about Tilapia eating it's own poop. That was enough to stop my thoughts of a demolished relationship.
Things are going better. Pat and I talked today and not about the break up. I think things will get better. I spent oh gosh, like three hours today just throwing Tibby (see left) his rope bone. Which he enjoyed immensely! I've been trying to teach him to stay.. that's not going too well. lol.
I do have faith that things will get better. Maybe right now isn't the right time for a relationship, for either of us. Maybe one day, fate will bring us back together. Maybe not. Who knows. I still have thoughts that he'll be with someone new. But it isn't anything I can control. I've just got to remember to keep praying and keep asking God to help me heal and help me not worry about the things I cannot control. I've just got to worry about me, I guess. Me and my kids. I've got to acquire a job and some monies. I still don't know how that will happen in this one horse town, but God's got my back
On to other subjects. Can you believe that KU vs MIst game last night?!?! I cannot believe that KU lost in the Sweet 16!! I cried.. a little.. one tear. It's alright though. We're still a great team!

Anyway, that's all I've got to say now,
Peace
K

Only God can help me now

I feel jipped. All of the memories that Patrick and I had, they are only mine now. I have no one to share stupid sayings with. I have no one to share a pic with an alligator or my first trip to the ocean with, or staying up late eating sheet cake instead of going to work. I feel like I have five years worth of memories that are only mine. I feel upset and sad and lonely. I don't understand. He says there is nothing I can do. He just doesn't feel anything for me anymore. How, after five years you just don't feel love for someone anymore? How do you forget all the memories and just leave them? How do you leave someone that needs you so much? I need him. And he just acts like things are fine, like it's alright. I've come to accept that God is the only one I can depend on. I guess I need to focus on him and and how I can devote my life to him. I'm scared. I have nothing here. I wish I would have never moved to Louisiana. It was the worst decision I've ever made. I don't know anymore.