Isn't all that sad.

Please do not get me wrong, I'm terribly distraught that I won't be moving back to Kansas to work things out with Patrick. But at the same time, like, I'm really not that sad. We've been going back and forth since like, what, December? Im horribly sad, but Im not. I'm happy that this gives me the opportunity to find someone who loves God as much as they love me. But I think of everything Pat and I went through, he's still my best friend, and I cry. I bawl. But I guess nothing was meant to last forever. I miss him. Maybe I'm not that sad because I don't see him. I haven't for like 5 months. Maybe I'm not that sad, because I knew it would never work. Or maybe God has filled my heart with his love so I don't hurt as much. Whatever it is, I'm greatful. I feel happiness that it's over. No more fighting, no more any of it. I don't have to fight with his family, or beg to be treated to my standards. Not that he ever treated me bad, we just have different ideals of different things. Let me restate that...Patrick NEVER treated me badly. My heart is still with him. Part of me thinks that it always will be. Maybe we'll be together again one day, maybe we won't Only God knows, and I'd like to keep it that way. What I do know, is that him and I have our 5 babies, and they are well taken care of. We both still love them very much, and both are trying to be active in their lives. I'm glad he still cares, I'm glad he's still my best friend. I do wish him all the happiness the world can provide. I hope he finds what he is looking for.

I love you always,
K

Hate this right now.

I totally am tired of feeling regret. I'm tired of feeling that I'm not doing the right things. I'm not doing what people expect, what they want, what they think I should be doing. I want to move to Arkansas, I want to be near my siblings (well four of them). I want to see my nephews grow up. I don't want them to never know me. I don't want them to think of me as the Aunt that sends presents and they see every few months. But I feel like I'm the only person that feels like they are made for something more. I feel like I'm more than what Kansas or Arkansas can give me. I feel like I don't want to stay in one place and do one job. I hate monotony. I hate the same thing every day. I feel like I don't know. I don't want my Taryn or Moira or Sean or Brett or Daniel or Beth to ever think I don't love them. I don't want them to think because I haven't moved there yet, that I don't want to be with them. It's hard for me to think of being in one place and settling down. I mean is there something wrong with me because of that. Do I have a problem? I mean, is there something wrong. I feel as if I should put what I feel aside to be with the ones I love. I should fight the urge to run and to be on the move. I don't think this is what God had in store for me. I constantly feel like they are going to hate me. They are going to be disappointed or be like oh well she let us down again.
I love Patrick. Although I'm moving back to Kansas right now, it has never been intended to be permanent. I know he wants more from life, he wants to travel and we both want to move to SD, but he really loves Topeka. He loves being there. I can't do it. I love all of my family, but I'm unable to stay there. I can't do it.

I hope they don't hate me. This weighs on my conscious every day. And I'm sorry if it means I lied to you, I didn't mean to. I love you and I hope through all of this you guys still love me too. I'm sorry.

Who cares

I am absolutely beside myself over this whole Patrick mess. He is back in Kansas and back to not taking my calls. He insists this is all just a big misunderstanding made up in my brain. Of course, I just called and what? Shocker?!?! He didn't answer, nor has he called me back. So the last big tiff him and I had regarded this chick Morgan. Him and her have gotten particularly close and yes, have kissed. Back then of course he didn't tell me that. He insists that he has referred back to that conversation and has told me " the last time we talked about this, I hadn't kissed her" But he had when I asked him about it that time. Only when he was feeling close to me and we were getting along particularly well, he told me. Why couldn't he had just told me at that point, yes I kissed her. I understand why he would think I would get upset. Wouldn't you? I mean wouldn't he? He says he wouldn't, but he was the one that did the breaking up. Of course he wouldn't care if another guys tongue was shoved in my mouth. He wants me to move back to kansas, I don't know why he insists that he wants to get me out of that situation and moved back to kansas, in the same house as him, but he isn't sure if we are able to work things out. Maybe he can commit to someone else? Maybe it's just me. I mean we were together for four and a half years, and he couldn't even tell me he didn't want to marry me. He said that he wanted to, when I moved out the first time. He said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, he was even willing to get baptized and convert to Christianity for me. But I just don't get it, he skirts around the issue, like the whole " have you kissed her" thing. He just should have said yes. I think the least I deserve is the truth and the honest truth, not the when it's convenient for me truth. Just tell me the fucking truth. Sorry for the cussing, but I'm 24 and he is 29, we should be over this crap. I'm tired of playing games. Like Morgan, I emailed her asking if anything was going on between the two of them, now ususally I don't do such things, seeing as I'm 24 and not 12. But I've invested so much, and I know Patrick has as well, but I just want the truth. But anyway, so I emailed her and she told me I would have to talk to Patrick about it. I told her thanks and that was it. Then a week later, after Patrick pissed her off, she emails me, " If you have questions, now is the time to ask." Only later after the fact, did I find out that she emailed me and then blocked me. So, what was the point? To torment someone who has lost the only person in her life that meant shit? To hurt someone who has already been hurt too often, who would do that? I just can't do this anymore. I can't do the games, I can't do the drama and I can't deal with stupid bitches who think they are someone in his life. So what, you kissed him, I gave him a son bitch. Try that one out. I know I shouldn't be so angry, but I dedicated four almost five years of my life to that relationship, and yes, not all of it was good. Alot of it was bad, but I love him. I still do. But he treats it like it's a game. He always has. I'm tired. I just want things to be how they were, before the girlfriends and the lies and all of it. As much as I love him and I totally want things to work out. I dont think that they are. I can't do this anymore. I love him. so much. I can't do this again. I can't be with someone who treats me like a game. I gave everything, jobs, friends, a city which I loved. Who cares anymore? He doesn't. I do. It doesnt matter.

On the other hand, after he broke my heart, I really found God again. I found how whole I could be with a relationship with my Holy Father. And Patrick of course doesn't believe in God, he would have gotten baptized, only to be a hypocrite, because he doesn't believe. How am I supposed to try and work things out with someone whom, I will only be with in this life. And how can you believe that our son is in heaven, but you don't even believe. I'll see Kal-El again some day and he won't He will never see his son, and he just doesn't care. I pray for him every day. Every day I ask God to change his heart. Maybe I do this so I can feel better if him and I do work things out, sometimes I feel like that. Sometimes I feel like I really do want him to be a Christian. I know I do, in my heart, I want him to be saved. I want to see him in our eternal homes. But what do I do now? How do I move on? Do I give Patrick our animals and write it all off? Do I stay here or move to Arkansas and we drive back and forth to share the animals? Do I move back to Kansas? Back to the drama? Back to all of it, all of the crap I'm trying to run from? I don't know. I wish I was given the answers. I'm tired of guessing and walking this walk alone. I'm tired of being alone through all of this. I'm sorry.